wtf am i feeling....

i have no idea what's going on with me right now. and i don't really know why either. i mean... right now i almost feel depressed. or pissed off. or tired. or hopeful. or distressed. or i just don't know. i mean, there are a ton of emotions going on through my head. i want to goto town and ramble around cause i'm kinda bored... but i know i got alot of things i need to be doing instead here at home. also not to mention with my luck in the past few weeks, i'll get pulled over by a damn cop and i swear i'm going to go apeshit on one here shortly. i want to go see or give someone a call - but i think she's working and/or i have nothing new to say... i want to invite anyone over... but i doubt anyone would come anyways.


then one of my rc car batteries won't hold a charge. my motorcycle isn't in 100% shape, and it's not sold anymore (apparently or so i was told). i've got pleanty enough money in the bank to cover this months' bills (well, not pay off the credit card, but to pay what i've spent) but i still have those debts like the credit card that are holding me down... i want to go work out but i keep telling myself to devote that time to studying instead. my bedroom is a disaster area, and i've only picked up a few things in it. i really need to make some manicotti but i don't feel like making it for just myself - and again i doubt anyone would come over.... tho due to recent change of plans i may have someone who can make some food for soon...... i think the super bowl might be on... but i could really care less which kinda makes me feel like it takes away from my "male ego". i mean - i'm a guy who doesn't drink beer and watch football.

there's just so much unreleased anger towards those fucking cops. so much hope i have riding on this class and hopeful new job. so much anxiety about where my personal and professional life is going soon. i just so wish i could get rid of these doubts in my head. i want to sit here with nothing to do - because everything is done. i want to sit here not worrying about how i'm going to pay this month's bills - because they're already paid. i want to sit here, in my home, with my soul mate - and not worry about where she's at or who she might be with.

i don't think hardly a day has gone by that i haven't logged onto myspace. i signed up for it, and logged in like twice a month - for nearly a year. then ever since september, i've been on almost every night, often times every morning, and until i told everyone at work "no myspace at work" i was logging on during the day too. how fucking sad of me.

i saw a pic of a guy who was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of mine on myspace. yes, that's how much i've been avoiding cleaning and studying today. but anyways in his profile picture his back was turned to the camera, and he was flexing. i sat there for a minute, admiring, wishing that was me. i mean, he was no Greg Valentino, but i don't want to turn out like that either. very proportional.

where the hell am i going with this major rambling. i don't know.... i'm just soo out of it. i thought the weekend started out so well, i mean friday was really fun, i enjoyed myself, it was a pretty nice relief to go out and have fun like that. but... now i feel worse than all last week combined. and i really don't know what triggered it. brad may have a comment of what he thinks triggered it but i'll still tell him he's wrong and i didn't care about my prediction.

hmmm. headache now. feel free to message me tonight if anyone's alive. right now i think i'm about do some more cleaning.

:-\