wow. i guess i've been pretty blind. i dunno, things are kinda coming a crashing.

i'm sorry crystal. i really don't know what to think. it's been a roller coaster ride; when i'm at the top, it's all good, but it comes crashing down. whe i'm at the bottom i see hope above. before i realize it the ride's over. and i'm told that it's my fault that the ride is over. wtf mate?

she's talking about leaving everyone alone. i don't konw why (well, she's said why, but running from problems is i good way to fix them...) i don't want to see you go. i enjoy talking to you, but you wont give me the time of day. any waking moment i have that i can spend with you i want to, but i'm told not to come, and when i do i'm told "go home" after an hour. wow. i feel loved. but "i evidently don't want to see you or be with you." right.... those words never came from my mouth....

i thought we were more than just friends. i guess i was misaken. i'm sorry. for you to say what you did. damn. i'm a) blind. b) dumb and/or c) stupid. choose all that apply.

if you were afaid of losing me, then why didn't you show it. yea, you said it a few times, but talk is cheap. i'm sorry, but it is. and no, i don't hate you like you asked. the only ppl i hated (i say that in past tense) were 2 bullies from middle school how ragged me daily for about 2 years, and made my life a living hell. they started me on my rampage that i started bottling. everynow and then it vents. if i still felt the way i did about them now, i'd prob hunt them down, find something like a leg of a table, stick it through their throat and twist their head off. step 2: stick head on table leg. step 3: set on fire. step 4: take pictures of me dancing around it and post online. step 5: post pictures of me drinking charred brains online again. but no; i've let it go. that was middle school. and i can't say i've ever hated anyone since then. i often times get mad, but i can't hold a grudge. gimme 30 mins to a few days, and i'm pretty much over it. there will be a scar, yes; but it's better to forgive and forget.

you made the biggest mistake of your life? i gave up the girl i loved for you. yeah.

so yea, talking about annie. i said earlier that i talked to her yesterday and it was great. i went to see her today. it was like a first date all over again. but we knew each ohter. she knew what i wanted, i knew what she wanted. but we were both just thumbs again. didn't know wether to rekindle the relationship. didn't know wether to hold back. didn't know what not to do. but it was a good evening. i miss her. when i held her in my arms, she just fit. it wasn't ackward. (well, the timing of the situation, maybe, but we both needed it.) tho i'm afaird to jump back in with her. i told myself no for a few reasons that i dont care to say here and now. it's going to take more time than this to see if they resolve. but in the meantime i feel like if i were to lose her, i'd have nothing to look foward to.

i went jogging with the dog tonight. that was alot easier than walking with the dog, lol. tho i though i was goign to break his neck off - he kept stopping while in full trot, lol. oops? but we made it around the block in like under 10 mins or so. not too bad. if it wasn't too late i'd gone 2 laps maybe. maybe i'll start doign that if i get in better shape. well, i could have made it another half a lap. another whole? dunno.

wow i just talked to my friend jessica from montreat. she's been a blast to talk to online. tho i haven't seen her in about... 4 yrs? wow. that long. geeze. maybe i'll drive up to nc and see her soon? heh who knows.

brad said he may come over tommorow, get drunken. lol. sad us :( oh well. baileys and butterscotch schnapps is good tho :) i can't handle the vodka yet again, tho weak enough in OJ i can. oh well.

i called and talked to chris earlier today. looks like our internet problem may have just been the damn tv splitters in the attic. took them out and he called me on the home phone not 5 mins later. i'm like "hot gd lol" :) anybody know how to remedy that for good? i need to split 1 cable connection 3 ways: cable modem and 2x tv's. and, if i could add 1 more tv connection to it, then it woudl be golden. my $13 Fry's splitter doesn't liek the internet, and the tv's look snowy.

oh yea i'm taking a vacation june 22-28. i wanna go somewhere. anybody got a couch i can crash on? i'll come visit ya lol :) tho i dun care to drive past about 4 hours. oh yea, my mom said my sis might enjoy my company. hrm... lol. she only lives 2 hours away. and i know i haen't gone to see her in over a year and a half. :(

oh well. i've been typing for about 35 mins again. i'm tired. g'night.