wth am i doing.

i talked to annie tongiht. i called her on the way home, she called earlier so i just returned her call. talked to her for 33m on the cell, and 97m on the home phone. and there was only a time or 2 that there was a quiet moment. it felt really good to talk to her tonight. to hear all about what's going on with her, let her konw what i was doing, etc. i found out she's not mad at me, that's what i thougth last time i talked to her. she's doing ok. she's sounded better, but i know she's ok. it's been over a week since i talked to her, and the times that i've talked to her in the past few months have been like 20 mins at a time at the most. so this was definantly different.

i walked brad (the dog) aroudn the neightborhood today. rather, he jogged me around the block, lol. i got an idea of what a 3mph walk was like, but this was like 4-5mph. and he was dragging me 'bout the while time. i haven't let him out in a week or so, and i know he needs to run around. shit i'm thinking about tieing a small tire around his neck so he gets more resistance while running around lol. more than likely that'll just strenghten his diggin / run-into-you muscles lol.

i've been trying to do some "fitness awareness" activities lately lol. push ups and crunches. wow. lol. i'm going to see if i can summon the energy to do some more walking/jogging. with the dog it wasn't too bad. next time i think i'm going to put on some shorts and go jogging. wear him out, and when he wears me out, he can drag me back home :-\ lol.

i spent a lovely evening with crystal today. actually i woke up to a message, and we chatted online for close to an hour this morning. it was a great way to start the day. yea, i was close to 45mins late for work, but oh well. so yea, i picked her up and brougth her back here we just chatted. i really don't know what to do - i fear being too passive and too aggressive. if i'm too passive she's going to get bored and walk. if i'm too aggressive, she's goign to get pissed and walk. well, crystal is different, i've got to say that, but in a good way. i don't think she'd walk, but i don't want her to feel bored or threatened. so i've got to find that good middle ground. i'm stil looking....

i guess ii've maybe become so accustom to a relationship that i'm kinda forgetting how to start one? as in some of the things i do or want to do or say or whatnot just don't get the same responses. i kinda miss that. well, not kinda - i do. like i posted before, i want a wife. so i guess whoever i'm talking to i sorta treat them like one? i think that makes sense. amazingly, i've not gotton the response i thougth i would. girls are normally gung-ho about getting a ring on their finger and married and blah and blah and blah. but nobody seems to want me like that :(

i found some more of annie's belongings today. i felt kinda weird moving them. it felt like i'm cleaning her out of the picture. some things have just "lived there" as in, i found her slippers under the bed. it was kinda conforting seeing them, so i left them. like the other day i took her pictures down out of my truck. i felt guilty all over again. i didn't throw them away, i'm prob just going to put it in a box to find later.

i keep telling myself i think i made the right decision. the decision to break it off with her. i konw i've talked alot about her but this is my gd blog lol :) urm, i didn't want it to look like retaliation for "well, you want to go on a break? well i want to break up then" no no nothing like that. at first i kept stating a break was a bad thing. then i missed her. then i had to do something with my missing emotions, for i was being pushed away by her. i found someone who will absorb most of those feeling. we're connecting on an emotional level, and i'm really feeling lost cause there's areas lacking beyond that (i'm going to leave it at that - and i'm not implying sex). looking back, yes, annie was there for me, she still is. she cares for me, she still does. but like she said before we went on the break - she knows there's things about the way she natrually acts taht i don't like. it's true, i didn't like them. but i'm not going to have her change for me - that's not right. i thoguth i was doing something good by ignoring them. and not ignoring her, just removing myself from the situation that i didn't like. which kinda made things worse. she then felt liek she had to hide the way she really was. so it's a reasons like this (and a few similar ones) why i think i made the right decision to go our seperate ways. i know she was a full 4 years younger than me, which yes, prob had alot to do with what was going on. and i can see possibly geting back together with her, just not anytime soon. the issues that would need to be resolved would take lots longer than a few months. and by then (if all that happens) who knows where either of our relationships will have taken us. what if it happens in a year, and we're both single? what if it happens in 2 years and one of us is engaged? what it it happens in 5 years and one of us has a family? well then maybe we won't get back together. who knows. i know i sure don't. it's not in my hands anymore.

crystal's afraid she's tearing apart my friends. i say this is untrue. i feel no differnce with jon, and feel the same with chris. chris has stated taht something feels different between him and jon. i dun know. i don't know either of their lives like they know them. i think alot has happened in the past week between all of us, and fingers are just being pointed. i said about chris that when he was with whomever, that yes, we may have not thought the most of their relationship, but in the end it's all worked out. if anything we're closer friends. so no, i don't think you [crystal] are going to cause any more harm. and not to worry about it.

hmmm.... wow i've been typing for about 35 mins stright now. maybe i had alot to talk about? maybe i just wanted to waste everyone's life with my non-sense? maybe. maybe i want people to know how i feel. maybe i don't know wth i am doing.... maybe i do.