ok, chris asked if the party was still on for this weekend. i told him no cause i didn't have a clue what as going on.... last time i talked to jon he said it "might" be still on, but "maybe" and taht "he didn't know." so i took that as a "no". now it looks like ppl are saying "i thought the party was still on?" i didn't want to stay here and host a party that i didn't know about if nobody knew to show up. so i asked jon, and he still doesn't know. i said "if you want we can still have it" and he still said "i don't know." so as of the moment, it's still off. unless somebody says "yes, it's on" then it's postponed until further notice.

yesterday's day didn't end too well, well, it did come dark. but yesterday evening (as you could tell) wasn't the best. i'd say everythign worked out tho. i said "give me til morn and i'll be ok" and i was ok by night. i just had to vent.

today my coworker brad was given a call by another potential employerer. lucky him. i still need to call about mine. we all want to leave. well, everyone but LFD. oh well.

oh man my truck drives sooo much better with new shocks. i'm used to it sagging soo bad now it's 2" higher, and stiff. i've taken off before where when i dump the clutch, the bag end sags and absorbs alot of the inital torque, and i start to move. depending on how hard i'm on the gas depends on if the tires will break when the suspension comes out of sag. today i foudn out that doesn't happen anymore - today i took off and i just spun the tire in place - no weight transfter meant less traction! if only i got the shocks before i replaced tires :) lol

i feel like i keep getting sterotyped as a "normal male" even tho i am far from that (i'd say that at least.) i'm being pushed away as part of a defence mechanisim, but now i feel like i'm coming across as desprite. i'm being pushed pretty hard away. i do'nt want to leave but i don't feel like forcing someone to keep me. it's one thing to be playful, but it's another for it to be an ongoing thing. some things are ok, but i guess i enjoy spending time with somebody in person, talking, chatting, cuddling, etc. sure, talking on the pc and phone is cool too, but it's not the same. i know you've been lied to in the past, cheated on, hit and abused. and you've been told by each that each was different than the last. and i fit that category so far too. but i am different. and if you ca't trust me, then i'm sorry. i can't make you trust me. ignore what everyone eles said i was going though, and think about what i said i had and gave up for you. i feel like i made a pretty big sacrifice for you. no, i'm not saying "you owe me" i'm just saying i want some attention, for i am an attention whore.

none of the above paragraph prob came out like i wanted, but oh well. maybe thats a start, at least...