wow.

today i went "home" to my folks, expecially to see my uncle. :( i live about 30 mins away from my parents, and i was there right after noon to eat lunch with them. ate some of the hamburgers i bought last week :P

i found out my uncle bought the gator himself (john deere gator) - the one you see below this post. he has been going to the doctor every other week to get the water pumped out, but for the past 3 weeks he's been going every week. mom showed me a pic comparing him now to about... 2 yrs ago. omg. :'( i almost let a tear fall... his arms.. are so small.... his face... is so sunken... his neck... is so small.... his belly... is so swollen... he has no energy. he's always cold. while in the house with him, he was only awake for maybe 15 mins then he drifted off to sleep. they say that's they way he's been for weeks now... he made the comment last week to dad "if it would only warm up, maybe i could get out and do something..." (btw, it was prob 100°+ in that house today - his wife wants to turn on a fan, but when she does, he shivers...) i felt so so sooo bad for him. i still do. it was a scary phrase my aunt (his sister) said to me a few weeks ago - "if he doesn't get down on his knees and pray to god for forgiveness, he's going to goto hell for killing his father." that was some deep shit. yes, 30 years ago, he shot and killed his father while my granddad was in a drunken fit of rage, shooting at my grandmother and other family with a deer rifle. i can't image my uncle thomas going to hell. he's way to kind hearted to go there :( he'd give anything to anyone. he's always given away so cheerfully anything he had to offer, even when he couldn't afford it. my family has always said both him and his wife have the biggest hearts. dad's talking about "i guess i need to go get my... from down there" we know it's inevetible. a few weeks, a few months. we don't know when, but we konw it's not far away. i am scared shitless. i've never lost anyone close to me like that. yes, my great aunt died about 6 months ago, and i did feel remorse, but, i wasn't really close to her. this is the uncle i grew up right next to for 20 years. the uncle i'd go fishin with. the uncle who would let me drive any vehicle or tractor he had. *i'm almost in tears right now thinking about all this - the tears are welling up, but have yet to fall* i don't know what to do. i guess all i can do is pray for him. i can't ask god not to take him away - if it's his time, then it's just his time. i guess all i can ask is for him not to endure any pain :( i don't want anybody to suffer. expecially him. and i don't want him to goto hell. yes, he did kill his father. but it wasn't on purpose, and it was self defense - one life was taken that day; more than that could have been lost if what was done hadn't happened.

when i left the house and headed for home, mom said the usual "glad you came, come back anytime, drive careful" then she added one more line - "i love you". *my chin's quivering now* that's one phrase was was taken for granted while i was growing up, but i never really heard it or said it. when she said it, it was out of the ordinary. just the realazation that life is short, what if she never saw me or heard from me again? i tell you, i was more scared driving home tonight then i have been my whole life i think. i took mostly major roads just because, to minimzed the risk of a deer jumping out and something happening to me. i haven't really felt that fear before.

*sniff*

i watched i belive it was extreame home makeover, where they take a needy family, tell them to get their shit out, bulldoze the house, send them on vacation, then rebuild the house in 7 days. the family tonight was actually 2 famililes, 11 people living in a 3 bedroom house. they sent them to disney and reconstructed the house into a huge 2 story, i think 9 bedroom house. while on vacation, a daughter was going to miss her final sr. high school basketball game. while on the cruise, they called her and told her to look up: a helicoptor was landing to pick her up, to bring her back, to play the game. (tears started to swell when i saw that on tv) they lost the game, but then they put her back in a limo right after the game and sent her back on vacation. when the family saw the house tears did roll down my face - it was very touching. they each had a personalized bedroom; their mortage was paid off; the house was made so energy efficent, it should cost much less then thier existing house; they recieved a ford excape hybrid - and 6 more ford focuses; arnold the governator congradulated them; the whole episode was very warming.

wow. i read that chris and amy are no more... that sucks, for the both of them - they're both my friends.

omg. what a depressing day. i even shed a few tears. that's very uncommon for me. now time to goto sleep :(