tonight

was good.

Friday: went to trey's. his place is cool. pool table and big screen. nice. my better half came over.

Saturday: brought Brittany to Athens where she took her gace test. i walked around downtown and took a few pictures. we drove through grayson and drove by some houses for sale that were nice. watched the sex in the city movie. it was good. i liked it. now i need to see the rest of the apparently 6 seasons. i've seen some of some of the seasons.

today: we cleaned some. mostly in the kitchen, some in the living room. the house is shaping up. she had to leave :( i ordered a truckload of pictures through walmart, i can pickup tomorrow. i also watched The Astronaut Farmer. it was ok, parts were very far fetched - and the ending was... stereotypical. and his space suit? wtf it was the most unrealistic thing of the movie - 2nd to his rocket not leveling his house and bar upon takeoff.

i cooked me a baked sweet potato. it was good. sweet potato and chocolate milk for dinner. nice :)

maybe tomorrow when i get home from work, I'll get on the picture frame making ball. who knows? i might actually do it :)

i can't wait to marry my the lady of my dreams. =) between last night's movie (the subject being relationships, marriage, kids, the future, etc) then tonight's movie (she supported her husband no matter how crazy he was), i can't wait to start that life.

Will Beacon: Mr. Farmer, how do we know you aren't constructing a WMD?
Charles Farmer: Sir, if I was building a weapon of mass destruction, you wouldn't be able to find it.

*CRASH!*
Charles Farmer: You want my house, I'll give it to you brick by brick!

hahahahah nice. ok.

why am i so selfish in that i want it all? i want everything to go my way, i want to do everything my way, and i want everything to be perfect. is it that I'm afraid if i don't do it my way, it won't turn out right? am i afraid that something bad will happen? is it because that's how i learned growing up, that if it' wasn't done a certain way then it was being done the wrong way?

my classic example, illustrated and implemented just today. Brittany was loading the dishwasher her way - bowls on top, pans in the back. i though i just gave constructive criticism in that, i said normally the pans take up too much room, so i just hand wash those few items; otherwise, the bowls fit better in the bottom and i have more room for cups in the top. however, i don't think it quite came out that way.

i hurt her today. not physically. but it hurt her the way that i criticized her. in my head, i did what i said above. however, apparently I've been nearly brainwashed in my bringing up, that the way i said what i said, wasn't nearly as constructive as i had perceived. :'( and then it took forever for her to open up to me and to tell me what it was i said or did that was so bad. :( am i that bad of a person? am i that fearful, that you don't want to share with me what i need to know? I'm not just being nosy and want to know everything going on - i need to change. I've said before that while i may love my family, there are certain traits and characteristic I'm afraid I've inherited and i don't want to carry on.

i sit and worry and fear that my ancestry is going to catch up with me and I'm going to ruin the best thing going on in my life. i fear that the way i act, the way i carry myself, the way i talk, the things i say, the - you name it - will drive her away. i am scared nearly to death that I'm going to do this, and it'll be all my fault.

there are more examples, other than the dishwasher, that i can think of that have surfaced in the last week. but all this does make me think and wonder - what can i do to keep from screwing all this up?

what a debbie downer. didn't mean to end the post like this, but it is 11pm. thoughts? :'|